Question:
Only one solution as far as I see it, the guy has to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and tell his mother to either grow up or never call him again (frankly I seriously would not even tell her where I was moving to or give her a number). He appears to be far far far too much of a wuss to do that, so if he refuses, then she needs to walk. There is no compromise left here. Frankly if I were her I’d be rather insulted that the guy has yet to really stand up to his mom when she calls his GF names. Then again, if I were the girl, I’d give it right back to his mom. Just because she’s his mom does not mean she’s worthy of respect. Respect must be earned and clearly she doesn’t qualify.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has > any advise. > A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made > it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong > relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the > future. > The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates > her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them > up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince > him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually > realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. > Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family > who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment > that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, > with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes > in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is > there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, > and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only > the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal > rent, and all his own utilities. > The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately > tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing > his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on > the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. > Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because > it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and > usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to > drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his > father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she > made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet > renovations (?!?!) > It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A > few examples: > – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is > just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – > you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass > – and with a BIG ass at that!" > – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would > bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", > knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that > it would cause problems with the couple. > – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, > cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made > awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let > someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" > – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That > THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she > does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily > The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back > together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but > out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. > The mother promised that she would. > The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because > worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting > in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his > GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the > situation. > The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few > minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. > They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, > when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped > around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and > launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I > don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, > and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal > with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they > left. > The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her > promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she > wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of > me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to > compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would > make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him > to move out > The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The > girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of > the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF > pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust > the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing > to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – > if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. > The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. > What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is > afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given > her temper. > – Vanessa
Response:
I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has any advise. A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the future. The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal rent, and all his own utilities. The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet renovations (?!?!) It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A few examples: – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass – and with a BIG ass at that!" – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that it would cause problems with the couple. – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. The mother promised that she would. The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the situation. The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they left. The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him to move out The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as a weapon. Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given her temper. – Vanessa
Response:
>He’s set boundaries, and the mother keeps breaking them – that’s why >he’s considering moving out.
Not exactly. He only recently started locking the door… that doesn’t sound like someone who has really set boundaries. >The girlfriend has suggested counselling, and the BF is willing to >consider it, but the mother won’t.
Then they should go without her. They will need the skills they will learn in counseling. It will also give them insight into what is going to happen when they start making changes. Susan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
If this is true, time for them to move out. Mother will survive. Personally if I were the GF, I would of broken up with this looser guy a long time ago, since he can not stand up to his mother. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has > any advise. > A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made > it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong > relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the > future. > The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates > her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them > up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince > him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually > realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. > Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family > who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment > that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, > with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes > in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is > there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, > and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only > the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal > rent, and all his own utilities. > The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately > tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing > his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on > the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. > Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because > it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and > usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to > drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his > father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she > made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet > renovations (?!?!) > It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A > few examples: > – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is > just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – > you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass > – and with a BIG ass at that!" > – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would > bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", > knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that > it would cause problems with the couple. > – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, > cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made > awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let > someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" > – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That > THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she > does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily > The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back > together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but > out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. > The mother promised that she would. > The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because > worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting > in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his > GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the > situation. > The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few > minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. > They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, > when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped > around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and > launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I > don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, > and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal > with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they > left. > The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her > promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she > wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of > me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to > compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would > make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him > to move out > The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The > girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of > the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF > pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust > the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing > to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – > if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. > The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. > What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is > afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given > her temper. > – Vanessa
– Sincerely, Dennis Altman Wedmart.com http://www.wedmart.com 888-802-2229
Response:
The mother needs therapy, the boyfriend needs a backbone, and the girlfiend needs to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has > any advise. > A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made > it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong > relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the > future. > The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates > her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them > up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince > him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually > realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. > Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family > who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment > that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, > with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes > in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is > there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, > and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only > the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal > rent, and all his own utilities. > The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately > tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing > his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on > the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. > Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because > it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and > usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to > drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his > father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she > made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet > renovations (?!?!) > It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A > few examples: > – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is > just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – > you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass > – and with a BIG ass at that!" > – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would > bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", > knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that > it would cause problems with the couple. > – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, > cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made > awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let > someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" > – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That > THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she > does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily > The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back > together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but > out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. > The mother promised that she would. > The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because > worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting > in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his > GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the > situation. > The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few > minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. > They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, > when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped > around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and > launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I > don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, > and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal > with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they > left. > The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her > promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she > wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of > me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to > compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would > make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him > to move out > The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The > girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of > the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF > pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust > the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing > to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – > if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. > The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. > What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is > afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given > her temper. > – Vanessa
Response:
>What should the couple do?
This is a no-brainer: dear son needs to move out, getting a place of his own and disassociating from his mother’s unhealthy dependence on him (unhealthy if for no other reason than he’s living with parents who aren’t supportive, but excessively suffocating. In the alternative, dear girlfriend would be well advised to find herself a new boyfriend. I grant you neither of those two alternatives is an easy choice, just sane. Hope that’s of some help, CJ
Response:
> What should the couple do?
This "hypothetical" boyfriend needs to implant some nuts and move out of mommy’s basement. The girlfriend needs to decide how many years she will wait for this to occur. Jon
Response:
The mother will never give up… Why should she.. She has her son right where she wants him… If the son doesn’t have the courage to leave once and for all and also to tell his mother that if she wants to see him, she’d better be civil to the person he is seeing, then the girl should cut her losses and try to mend her heart… She will live a life of stress and fighting if the mother doesn’t back off… And as long as the son sends mixed signals to his mother, she will never back off.. He will always be more of a son than he will a husband, unless he stands up for himself and his future wife… If he can’t do that, she doesn’t need him… I’m saying this from experience.. Thank goodness, my husband knew how to stand up to his mother… Although, she needed reminding very often from both of us… She never really gave up… ‘And I was always, " that dumb Pollack Bi…" It came to the point that I wouldn’t go see her when we went back to town.. I would send my husband and daughter to go see her and I stayed away… easier on me and everyone…
Response:
> You paint the mother out to be the wicked witch of the west but it takes TWO to > make a relationship what it is. > If the son isn’t willing to be an adult and so far he hasn’t been willing to > set boundries for his mother there’s a real problem here. > My advice would be that no one should marry this man until he breaks the apron > strings. Things will get worse for a while when he moves out. That is a given > but if he stands his ground it will get better. He may even want to consider > family therapy/counseling. It sounds like it would definately be beneficial. > Good luck > Susan
He’s set boundaries, and the mother keeps breaking them – that’s why he’s considering moving out. The girlfriend has suggested counselling, and the BF is willing to consider it, but the mother won’t.
Response:
> If this isn’t a soap opera plot, I’d hypothetically advise the GF > to put on her hypothetical running shoes and RUN as fast and as > far from Mamma’s Boy as she can. It doesn’t sound as though > marriage is EVER a possibility here and if she coan talk him into > it, she can be prepared to support his family as long as they live, > no matter where they live, and still continue to take insults from > Mamma. This is one scary situation and it doesn’t sound as though BF > is man enough to live his own hypothetical life.
I don’t know if they could cast an actress who could quite portray the kevel of psychosis here! I know the couple well, and the BF seems ready to take off and shut his mother out completely, if need be. The couple would rather try and work things out amicably with the mother, rather than shut her out, if possible.
Response:
Having had a mother in law who was manipulative and devious, I can tell you from experiece that it will not get better only worse… Luckily my husband and I moved out of state before we were married long… It still was a struggle.. She would call on the phone no matter what time of the day or night and even though we told her not to… The best advice I can give is to find another man… It will never get better with her as a mother in law only worse… The girl doesn’t deserve the abuse that she is getting and even if the guy moves out, she will still have this witch in her life… I’d think hard and long, if I had it to do over again… I can also tell you that after she is gone, she will be put on a pedestal and all the bad things will be forgotten by her son… Only you will still have the scars to live with…
Response:
The guy must move out and redefine his relationship with his mother. Period. Unless he does that, nothing will change because you can’t change other people and his mother doesn’t sound like there’s any reason for her to change. — Melissa 3/18/01
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has > any advise. > A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made > it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong > relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the > future. > The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates > her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them > up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince > him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually > realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. > Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family > who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment > that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, > with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes > in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is > there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, > and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only > the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal > rent, and all his own utilities. > The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately > tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing > his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on > the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. > Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because > it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and > usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to > drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his > father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she > made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet > renovations (?!?!) > It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A > few examples: > – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is > just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – > you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass > – and with a BIG ass at that!" > – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would > bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", > knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that > it would cause problems with the couple. > – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, > cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made > awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let > someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" > – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That > THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she > does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily > The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back > together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but > out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. > The mother promised that she would. > The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because > worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting > in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his > GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the > situation. > The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few > minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. > They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, > when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped > around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and > launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I > don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, > and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal > with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they > left. > The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her > promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she > wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of > me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to > compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would > make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him > to move out > The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The > girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of > the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF > pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust > the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing > to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – > if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. > The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. > What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is > afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given > her temper. > – Vanessa
Response:
The girlfriend should break up with him. Whatever this man’s positive attributes might be, his first loyalty is to his mother. Look, he’s in his late 20s and so clearly wrapped around this insane woman’s little finger. He could and SHOULD have moved out years ago. He should have moved out the first time his mother was verbally abusive to his girlfriend–real men don’t take that. The mother wouldn’t say such things if she didn’t think she could get away with it. The girlfriend sounds very nice, and I bet she could do a lot better. And consider this: with parents like that, what are the odds that this man is a functional, healthy, well-adjusted person that would make a good husband? It is possible for someone to emerge from an alcoholic father and a manipulative, controlling mother and still be "OK," but think about the model of marriage he’s been presented with his whole life! says… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has >any advise. >A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made >it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong >relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the >future. >The guy’s mother HATES his girlfriend. No real reason to, just hates >her. Since the day they met, the mother has been trying to break them >up. She tried to fill her son’s mind with doubts, tried to convince >him that the girl was using him, and much more. The guy eventually >realized that his mother was lying, and accepted the truth. >Now, the guy is an only child, and the only one in his extended family >who can "pass on the family name" . He lives in a basement apartment >that his mother owns. Most basement apartments are seperate dwellings, >with no opening to the upstairs.. but his does, and his mother waltzes >in whenever she wants – usually to cause problems when the GF is >there. The guy’s father drank himself into a kind of vegetative state, >and constantly needs homecare workers. Essentially, the BF is not only >the only child, but also the "man of the house". He pays a normal >rent, and all his own utilities. >The mother acts very jealous around the girlfriend, and desperately >tries to strangle her son with her apron strings – insisting on doing >his laundry, cooking, etc. Aside from this, she is also demanding on >the son. She calls him at 1am, asking him to drive her friends home. >Her friends don;t actually arrange for their own rides home, because >it’s a "given" to his mom that she can demand anything from him, and >usually guilt trip him into doing her bidding. He is also expected to >drop everything to go pick her up cigarrettes on demand, "babysit" his >father whenever she goes out, and more. He wants to move out, but she >made him promise to stay around until she pays off her cabinet >renovations (?!?!) >It’s really hard to describe just how evil and nasty this woman is. A >few examples: >- She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is >just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – >you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass >- and with a BIG ass at that!" >- When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would >bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", >knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that >it would cause problems with the couple. >- One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, >cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made >awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let >someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" >- The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That >THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she >does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily >The couple ended up breaking up beacsue of the mother, but got back >together a year later. At that point, the son asked the mother to but >out of the relationship altogether, to quit badmouthing the gf, etc. >The mother promised that she would. >The girlfriend tries not to go over to the guy’s house, because >worrying about the possibility of his mother coming down and starting >in on her makes her physically ill. The guy is not impressed that his >GF can’t come over without feeling ill, but understands, given the >situation. >The other night, the couple ended up dropping by his place for a few >minutes to drop off his groceries after an afternoon shopping trip. >They were in the kitchen, taking a break from putting groceries away, >when his motehr walked in. When she did, the guy had his arms wrapped >around his gf, and they were snuggling. The mother screeched, and >launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I >don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc. The BF got pissed off, >and shoo’ed his mother out, telling her to lay off, and that he’d deal >with her later. He calmed his GF down (who was VERY shaken), and they >left. >The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her >promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she >wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of >me living here!?" and stormed off. She followed him, and agreed to >compromise – if the guy warned her before the GF was over, she would >make a point of not going downstairs. She basically does NOT want him >to move out >The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The >girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of >the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF >pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust >the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing >to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – >if she breaks it twice more, he moves out. >The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore. >What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out >on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – >the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as >a weapon. >Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The >couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able >to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is >afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given >her temper. >- Vanessa
Response:
Oh dear. The GF should refuse to be treated this way. Period. If some crazy old lady ran up to you on the street and called you all those names you’d probably knock their socks out. You shouldn’t take it from a future mother in law. I went through a slightly similar situation with my future mother in law, but it never, ever got anywhere close to this bad. What you’re experiencing is flagrant abuse in every respect of the word. My mother in law was moody, distant, and rude to me in her tone of voice. My future husband is her favorite son, her baby, and she was threatened and jealous of my presence. I could have been the Queen of Spain or Barbie incarnate, it wouldn’t have mattered. She too would cook for him whenever we went over, fixing him little breakfasts and snacks, she’d keep telling me what *I* needed to do for him to take care of him, etc. It was nauseating. Like the woman you’re dealing with, she also used manipulation, telling me she was afraid that her husband (my boyfriend’s father) would die before she did and leave her to live alone. She said it was her biggest fear and would just destroy her, so she asked that when we got married, couldn’t we please live close by? Ugh. Not in a million years. I hear you say that your boyfriend’s father is actually ill, and the mom uses this as leverage to manipulate. I’m telling you that my future mom in law used that same excuse to manipulate my guy, and his father is completely healthy!!! So it doesn’t matter. People will look at things only the way they want to see them. I spoke to my man and told him either he gets things sqaured away with his mother, or I would never consider him as a permanent mate. It took me really deciding in my own mind that I honestly believed that myself, before he picked up on it and believed me too. And that’s all it took. My guy was always amazing, but has become an incredible man and husband-to-be, and all he needed was a little push in the right direction. He now stands up for me proudly whenever any issue comes about and the two of us are a real team, period. We love his family, but we don’t let them push us around anymore and our relationship has grown wonderfully as a result. Remember that being in love is the easy part. It’s being a good team, financially, emotionally, and with your families that will make the marriage work without a hitch. Don’t get married to this man until he realizes what you’re worth and shows you a shred of chivalry by protecting you from the evil dragon. *He* is permitting a situation to exist in which you are belittled, hurt, insulted, and shamed. It’s not his fault his mother says these things but it *is* his responsibility to choose to change his life’s situation so these things don’t happen anymore. You would do it for him. If he loves you he’ll do it for you. If he doesn’t you will fall in love with someone who is better and more magical. I promise. Everyone has a choice. The mother has a choice to live with her drunken husband and hate you and be miserable and drive her son away. That’s her choice. Your boyfriend has a choice to let it happen over and over and ruin his love. That’s his choice. It’s your choice to allow yourself to be demeaned and ridiculed by this monster of a woman, or it’s your choice not to by refusing to go over there anymore. It’s also your choice to keep the blinders off and recognize what you’ll be getting into if you marry this man, unless he truly changes. Whew! Good luck to you.
Response:
> I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has > any advise.
If this isn’t a soap opera plot, I’d hypothetically advise the GF to put on her hypothetical running shoes and RUN as fast and as far from Mamma’s Boy as she can. It doesn’t sound as though marriage is EVER a possibility here and if she coan talk him into it, she can be prepared to support his family as long as they live, no matter where they live, and still continue to take insults from Mamma. This is one scary situation and it doesn’t sound as though BF is man enough to live his own hypothetical life. gloria p
Response:
You paint the mother out to be the wicked witch of the west but it takes TWO to make a relationship what it is. If the son isn’t willing to be an adult and so far he hasn’t been willing to set boundries for his mother there’s a real problem here. My advice would be that no one should marry this man until he breaks the apron strings. Things will get worse for a while when he moves out. That is a given but if he stands his ground it will get better. He may even want to consider family therapy/counseling. It sounds like it would definately be beneficial. Good luck Susan
Response:
A young couple (mid & late 20’s) has been in love for years, and made > it through a lot of nasty situations together. Very strong > relationship, amazing communication, and more. Marriage is in the > future.
Not, it is not a strong relationship and GF is deluded if she thinks it is. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> – She has told the girlfriend (right in front of the BF) that he is > just using her for sex, and "he could put a paper bag on your head – > you could be ANYONE, and it doesn’t matter, you’re just a piece of ass > – and with a BIG ass at that!" > – When the couple took to locking the door to the upstairs, she would > bang on the door, and yell "That little SLUT locked the door again!", > knowing that she had him so guilted into not talking back to her, that > it would cause problems with the couple. > – One day, she came down and started screaming at the girlfriend, > cornered her into the kitchen, got right up in her face, and made > awful comments about the GF’s son. "I don’t know why god would let > someone like YOU have a son like that, he’s too good for you!" > – The mother makes a point of calling the GF names to the son. "That > THING", "That witch", "that bitch", "that whore", etc. Every time she > does, the son tells her to stop, and she usually does – momentarily > <snip> > The mother screeched, and > launched into a tirade about how "that THING is not allowed in here! I > don’t want that WITCH on my property!" and etc.
And after all this verbal abuse, hypothetical BF still wants to give dear old mom another two more chances? > The guy talked to his mother the day after, reminded her of her > promise, and asked her to lay off. She started arguing, and said she > wouldn’t be able to. He got mad, said "well then what is the point of > me living here!?" and stormed off.
He learned or is learning how to be as emotionally manipulative as his mother. > The only times this couple fights is about his mother. (mostly) The > girlfriend loves the guy more than anything, but is getting so sick of > the mother. The guy trusts his mother’s recent agreement. The GF > pointed out to him right from the first promise that she didn’t trust > the mother would keep her promise – and as such, is REALLY not willing > to trust her this time. The guy is giving his mother 2 more chances – > if she breaks it twice more, he moves out.
This isn’t the hallmark of a strong relationship, it’s symptomatic of a sick one. He’s a momma’s boy who has allowed his mother to defame, slander, and sicken his relationship with his GF. Real men in love leave thier father and mother and cleave to their beloved and allow no one, even dear old mom, to hurt her. Hypothetical BF will always give mom a few more chances and the relationship will always be under a cloud of angst and bitterness because mom will hate GF, then later her DIL, as the evil witch who stole her son from her. Eventually, when the newness of marriage wears off, Mom will have infected dear son so much that it will leave doubts in his head about the honesty and integrity of his wife. > The GF is not willing to go over to the guys apartment at all anymore.
And if GF married the momma’s boy, will she hide from her own home to avoid the wrath of her MIL? > What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon.
Don’t you see? He doesn’t want his freedom from his mother. He had a year to ponder his loss of the GF due to the arrangements and relationship but he did nothing to change. What changed was GF coming back into his life with probably the delusion that things will work out and that he really does love her. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property.
Good Lord, the man is stringing along the GF! This has been going on for YEARS and she’s still putting up with all talk and no action! He doesn’t defend her against his mother, he has yet to move out of the house despite this having been going on for at least 2 years and GF thinks she will have a healthy, productive marriage with this "boy" she believes loves her? GF needs to walk out of this boy’s life and don’t look back. She did the right thing breaking up with him for a year but now she needs to overcome her fear of loneliness to leave him again for good. Even a fulfiled life of singlehood is preferable to a marriage to a witch’s little boy.
Response:
>What should the couple do?
quit trolling alt.wedding for starters. Paul T. Olson
Response:
> What should the couple do? The GF tries to convince the BF to move out > on his own (not necessarily with her), so he can have his freedom – > the motehr guilt trips him into staying, using the father’s health as > a weapon.
This is a problem between the guy and his mom, period. The mom doesn’t respect him as an adult or, for that matter, as a human being, and she’s obviously threatened that the GF will take him away so of course she’s going to drive a wedge. He should tell his mom he’s getting the lock fixed and will use it, and he should use it when the gf isn’t even around, and if the mom still acts like a lunatic, he should give her one warning and then start calling the cops for her screaming and banging on the door because that’s just ridiculous. To consider: they (mom and son) should go to counseling. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along? The > couple talks about marriage all the time, but probably won’t be able > to get engaged while he lives on his mother’s property. The gf is > afraid of the mother’s potential to resort to physical violence, given > her temper.
If the son is unable to deal with his mom on an adult level and is being manipulated and "guilted," he’s not ready for marriage.
Response:
>I’d like to run a situation by everyone here, and see if anyone has >any advise.
A man does not need his mommy’s permission or approval to move out and get married. A little boy does, but not a man. The girlfriend is better off alone until a man comes along. Noe
Response:
> What should the couple do?
There are at least three people in this story who need to grow up. The mother needs to get a grip, the son needs to grow a spine, and the girlfriend needs to set some priorities. > Also, what are they to do when the engagement/wedding comes along?
I can’t imagine a successful marriage unless the son and the girlfriend make some major changes. Best wishes, Ericka
Response:
Rose 
LOL > You know what Beanie….I’m thinking Framps might just be a lucky 
Beanie