Exercise R Us

Question:

>Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

More than anyone ever needs to know about the whale.  But fascinating. The Bible has more action though.  And all those "begats!"  Lord have mercy! Joyce DOF

Response:

sherry, Thanks for the funny! Peter Loved them – maybe I’m sick! (Maybe?!!)

Response:

Hereinafter, I shall be: Buttercup Pizza Chunks Catie Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

Pinky Banana Tush — Hello Sis. Buttercup Lizard Tush QOF – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > <snip> > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

Response:

Thanks Mariliyn can always rely on you.  Unfortunately I had to leave my computer to go into <gulp> real life! I’m back now thought! Grin and Hugs Peter – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Remember, you did say anthing <sic>. > The Joys of Womanhood > Brilliant Woman Author Unknown > Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and > forget where we left them. > [Editorial query by me -- and in what way is this a bad thing?] > One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman > gain 5 lbs. > My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. > The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. > The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know > what you’re doing, someone else does. > The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your > body and your fat are really good friends. > Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. > Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. > I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and > setting my pantyhose on fire. > Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two > sizes! > Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You > know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I’ve forgotten my address, my > mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You > have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. > A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had > 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care. > The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and > then they marry him. > I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating > too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is > my idea of a perfect day. > I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 > can fit into their stuff. > mmm > —

Response:

Poopsie Wafflefanny has been messing herself all morning, Marylin, thanks to you!  I REALLY needed that laugh!! One week, six days, 19 hours, and 6 minutes. I have not smoked 413 cigarettes, saving $42.53 for diapers and school clothes. Life saved: 1 day, 10 hours, 25 minutes, giving me more time with my children! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are >out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do >with us Colonials. >This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to >see it. >A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want >something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and >keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy >GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra >prescriptions.  Whatever works! >The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, >"Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", >by Dav Pilkey: >The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… >Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first >name: >a = stinky >b = lumpy >c = buttercup >d = gidget >e = crusty >f = greasy >g = fluffy >h = cheeseball >i = chim-chim >j = poopsie >k = flunky >l = booger >m = pinky >n = zippy >o = goober >p = doofus >q = slimy >r = loopy >s = snotty >t = falafel >u = dorkey >v = squeezit >w = oprah >x = skipper >y = dinky >z = zsa-zsa >Use the first letter of your last name to determine >the first half of your NEW last name: >a = diaper >b = toilet >c = giggle >d = bubble >e = girdle >f = barf >g = lizard >h = waffle >i = cootie >j = monkey >k = potty >l = liver >m = banana >n = rhino >o = burger >p = hamster >q = toad >r = gizzard >s = pizza >t = gerbil >u = chicken >v = pickle >w = chuckle >x = tofu >y = gorilla >z = stinker >Use the last letter of your last name to determine >the second half of your NEW last name: >a = head >b = mouth >c = face >d = nose >e = tush >f = breath >g = pants >h = shorts >i = lips >j = honker >k = butt >l = brain >m = tushie >n = chunks >o = hiney >p = biscuits >q = toes >r = buns >s = fanny >t = sniffer >u = sprinkles >v = kisser >w = squirt >x = humperdinck >y = brains >z = juice >mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m >–

Response:

> Hey Pinky Banana Tush, > Popsie LiverBuns here. > Are we having fun or what?

The day is slowly improving…especially with a note from you, Popsie. mmm 8M+ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice

–

Response:

Hey Pinky Banana Tush, Popsie LiverBuns here. Are we having fun or what? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

Response:

> Hey Pinky Banana Tush, > Popsie LiverBuns here. > Are we having fun or what?

Lol!  Snotty diaper chunks here….eeeewwwwww!!!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

Response:

> ok sally hand over some of that cake. cmon i dont want to snarl at ya > its a holiday and i want CAKE.

no….hiss and growl and snarl all you want….but I don’t share anything chocolate with anybody…. : ) Sally

Response:

Having just got back from holiday and trying to catch up, with something like 1000 messages in the last three days only, I cannot believe you are serious.  But just in case Edinburgh Oh beautiful city of Edinburgh Where the tourist can drown his sorrows By viewing your monuments and statues fine  During the lovely summer-time.  I’m sure it will his spirits cheer As Sir Walter Scott’s monument he draws near, That stands in East Prince’s Street Amongst flowery gardens, fine and neat. And Edinburgh Castle is magnificent to be seen With its beautiful walks and trees so green, Which seems like a fairy dell; And near by its rocky basement is St Margaret’s Well, Where the tourist can drink at when he feels dry, And view the castle from beneath so very high, Which seems almost towering to the sky. Then as for Nelson’s monument that stands on Calton Hill,  As the tourist gazes thereon, with wonder his heart does fill As he thinks on Admiral Nelson who did the Frenchmen kill, Then, as for Salisbury Crags, they are most beautiful to be seen, Especially in the month of June, when the grass is green; There numerous mole-hills can be seen, And the busy little creatures howking away, Searching for worms among the clay; And as the tourist’s eye does wander to and fro  From the south side of Salisbury Crags below, His bosom with admiration feels all aglow  As he views the beautiful scenery in the valley below; And if, with an observant eye, the little loch beneath he scans, He can see the wild ducks about and beautiful white swans. Then, as for Arthur’s Seat, I’m sure it is a treat Most worthy to be seen, with its rugged rocks and pastures green, And the sheep browsing on its sides To and fro, with slow-paced strides, And the little lambkins at play During the livelong summer day, Beautiful city of Edinburgh! the truth to express, Your beauties are matchless I must confess, And which no one dare gainsay, But that you are the grandest city in Scotland at the present day! And if you’ve got this far – guess the author?  (native or resident Scots not eligible to enter this one) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. >Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

Perhaps it would have been better to leave the "LMAO" off, considering the circumstances! Hysterical post! RayB DOF + 1/4 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > ‘ > Sally > > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > O.K., a repost from January. > The unmentionable > No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the >  butt. >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  By Michael Alvear >  Jan. 5, 2000 >  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing >  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us >  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 > will >  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about >  it. >  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the >  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids. >  Everyone has >  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of >  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal >  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that. >  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody >  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my >  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are >  rarely a sign of cancer. >  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to >  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the >  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought >  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone >  else?" >  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You >  could be me." >  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as >  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about >  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax, >  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors." >  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK. >  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what >  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said. > "You >  need a specialist, probably surgery." >  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree >  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly. > Second-degree >  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree > hemorrhoids >  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in > with >  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning, >  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table). >  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you >  via e-mail.) >  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door: >  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a >  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were > eight >  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting >  painfully in their seats. >  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon >  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination >  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger >  and an open vial of KY jelly. >  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to >  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This >  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered >  a public relations ploy. >  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it, >  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait >  in the lobby. >  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart >  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed >  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot > of >  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin. >  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with >  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors >  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his > fingers. >  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I >  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a >  radioactive security measure. >  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure, >  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he >  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a >  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just > never >  stopped. >  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into >  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard >  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common >  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, > they >  can >  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same >  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs. >  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an >  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their >  right mind wants to stay awake for that? >  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of >  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer. >  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are >  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, > eventually >  withering them away. >  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had >  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you >  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification > masks >  most of it. >  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to >  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly >  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal >  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie > Executive >  Tight Sphincter Syndrome). >  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the >  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the >  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter." >  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is >  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom >  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out." >  Words to live by. >  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in >  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It > means >  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at > one >  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen >  dump. >  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making >  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water >  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of >  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot >  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the >  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind >  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door. >  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the >  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles, >  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of >  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses. >  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than >  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open >  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too > embarrassed >  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid >  them. >  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he >  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you >  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill > containing >  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read >  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery." >  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after >  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m >  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement > the >  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than >  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated, >  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. > salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000 >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  About the writer >  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a >  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. > mmm > —

Response:

hi peter i know who you are. youre peter the not smoking dude who makes me laugh. ok sally hand over some of that cake. cmon i dont want to snarl at ya its a holiday and i want CAKE. snowtree cakeless One week, two days, 13 hours, 16 minutes and 0 seconds. 286 cigarettes not smoked, saving $50.15. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->LOL!!!….Peter, you’re not bored are you???  I’ve finally caught up with >the posts myself and am in the process of devouring a HUGE piece of >chocolate cake for breakfast. >BTW….your pic IS very familiar…. : ) >Sally > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Peter > Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

‘ Sally

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > O.K., a repost from January. > The unmentionable > No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the >  butt. >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  By Michael Alvear >  Jan. 5, 2000 >  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing >  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us >  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 will >  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about >  it. >  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the >  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids. >  Everyone has >  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of >  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal >  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that. >  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody >  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my >  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are >  rarely a sign of cancer. >  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to >  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the >  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought >  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone >  else?" >  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You >  could be me." >  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as >  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about >  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax, >  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors." >  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK. >  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what >  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said. "You >  need a specialist, probably surgery." >  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree >  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly. Second-degree >  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree hemorrhoids >  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in with >  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning, >  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table). >  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you >  via e-mail.) >  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door: >  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a >  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were eight >  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting >  painfully in their seats. >  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon >  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination >  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger >  and an open vial of KY jelly. >  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to >  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This >  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered >  a public relations ploy. >  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it, >  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait >  in the lobby. >  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart >  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed >  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot of >  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin. >  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with >  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors >  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his fingers. >  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I >  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a >  radioactive security measure. >  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure, >  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he >  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a >  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just never >  stopped. >  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into >  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard >  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common >  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, they >  can >  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same >  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs. >  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an >  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their >  right mind wants to stay awake for that? >  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of >  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer. >  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are >  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, eventually >  withering them away. >  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had >  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you >  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification masks >  most of it. >  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to >  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly >  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal >  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie Executive >  Tight Sphincter Syndrome). >  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the >  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the >  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter." >  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is >  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom >  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out." >  Words to live by. >  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in >  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It means >  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at one >  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen >  dump. >  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making >  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water >  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of >  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot >  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the >  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind >  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door. >  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the >  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles, >  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of >  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses. >  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than >  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open >  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too embarrassed >  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid >  them. >  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he >  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you >  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill containing >  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read >  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery." >  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after >  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m >  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement the >  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than >  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated, >  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. > salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000 >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  About the writer >  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a >  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. > mmm > —

Response:

> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do with us Colonials. This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to see it. A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra prescriptions.  Whatever works! The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name: a = stinky b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = poopsie k = flunky l = booger m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = falafel u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name: a = diaper b = toilet c = giggle d = bubble e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = burger p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m —

Response:

> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

O.K., a repost from January. The unmentionable No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the  butt.  - – - – - – - – - – - –  By Michael Alvear  Jan. 5, 2000  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 will  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about  it.  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids.  Everyone has  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that.  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are  rarely a sign of cancer.  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone  else?"  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You  could be me."  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax,  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors."  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK.  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said.  "You  need a specialist, probably surgery."  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly.  Second-degree  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree hemorrhoids  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in with  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning,  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table).  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you  via e-mail.)  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door:  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were eight  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting  painfully in their seats.  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger  and an open vial of KY jelly.  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered  a public relations ploy.  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it,  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait  in the lobby.  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot of  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin.  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his fingers.  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a  radioactive security measure.  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure,  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just never  stopped.  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, they  can  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs.  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their  right mind wants to stay awake for that?  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer.  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, eventually  withering them away.  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification masks  most of it.  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie Executive  Tight Sphincter Syndrome).  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter."  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out."  Words to live by.  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It means  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at one  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen  dump.  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door.  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles,  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses.  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too embarrassed  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid  them.  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill containing  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery."  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement the  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated,  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000  - – - – - – - – - – - –  About the writer  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. mmm —

Response:

Me too.. I’m struggling here.. If no one posts soon I’m going to tell u all my life story & thats would be worse the nico withdrwal .. Post or the bunny gets it. Sharon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. >Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

>I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

Anything? Ok then, here’s one of my little efforts about a mate of mine,, Fat Bob Louse, not to be confused with ya Bob Flemming, who is not fat but actually quite thin. Enjoy…. Fat Bob Louse Town in the centre Watford public house call the Red Cow pub sit the fat Bob Louse. The cigarette Spain free the duty smoke drink the beer chase beer fuel the stomach stoke. The pot belly chair house the hop swill flesh pour the drop sweat heat hang the grease hair mess. His hand is a hold move the pence two piece see the eye craze mind dance the social fleece. Money take the till give the cardboard squares he the fist full game fire those mental flares. Scratch the instant card of the National Lott gold the rainbow rub grab the gamble blots. Card after card he fame the fortune hope chase the coin blade curve slip the slide down slope. Louse the man right now booze the urban brick mass the concrete shops with the humans thick. The brain him venture see the forgein shores float the sparkle yaught where the dream land moors. Alas no never show the numbers blank then the sigh breathe sink and the false hope sank. Tred the backstreet trail room the bedsit small latch the key close door feel the mind mood fall. Stair the climb slowness lung the boredom stale see the eye sore drab find the life gone fail. Spread the body lay lie the couch come bed heave the head pain howl grieve the dead child dead. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

> Me too.. I’m struggling here.. If no one posts soon I’m going to tell u all > my life story & thats would be worse the nico withdrwal .. > Post or the bunny gets it. > Sharon

Hang in there , Sharon….I’m into my 11th day now (YEAH!!) and couldn’t have done it without this group.  Post whatever/whenever you feel like it….whenever a craving hits me, I post and read…..AS3 has become a new addiction for me I think…. : ) Sally

Response:

Thanks…(-: I reckon I can stay logged on as long as I like with all the money I’m savig on ciggs. & as addictions go I’d rather  be reading & posting then smoking . S – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hang in there , Sharon….I’m into my 11th day now (YEAH!!) and couldn’t >have done it without this group.  Post whatever/whenever you feel like >it….whenever a craving hits me, I post and read…..AS3 has become a new >addiction for me I think…. : ) >Sally

Response:

> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

Remember, you did say anthing <sic>. The Joys of Womanhood Brilliant Woman Author Unknown Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and forget where we left them. [Editorial query by me -- and in what way is this a bad thing?] One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. mmm —

Response:

Having a bad day? Six Bad Days: 1.   The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2.   A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded. 3.   In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4.   A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door,  breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 5.   Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And, finally……. 6.   Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There, now! Your day’s not so bad, is it? sherry 7m Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR. DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__ 9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO 10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO 11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO 13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR 14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON’T TELL ANYONE) A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE (NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.) I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME) THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Response:

LOL!!!….Peter, you’re not bored are you???  I’ve finally caught up with the posts myself and am in the process of devouring a HUGE piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. BTW….your pic IS very familiar…. : ) Sally

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Peter > Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. Peter Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. Peter Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

LOL!!!….Peter, you’re not bored are you???  I’ve finally caught up with the posts myself and am in the process of devouring a HUGE piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. BTW….your pic IS very familiar…. : ) Sally

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Peter > Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

Me too.. I’m struggling here.. If no one posts soon I’m going to tell u all my life story & thats would be worse the nico withdrwal .. Post or the bunny gets it. Sharon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. >Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

>I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

Anything? Ok then, here’s one of my little efforts about a mate of mine,, Fat Bob Louse, not to be confused with ya Bob Flemming, who is not fat but actually quite thin. Enjoy…. Fat Bob Louse Town in the centre Watford public house call the Red Cow pub sit the fat Bob Louse. The cigarette Spain free the duty smoke drink the beer chase beer fuel the stomach stoke. The pot belly chair house the hop swill flesh pour the drop sweat heat hang the grease hair mess. His hand is a hold move the pence two piece see the eye craze mind dance the social fleece. Money take the till give the cardboard squares he the fist full game fire those mental flares. Scratch the instant card of the National Lott gold the rainbow rub grab the gamble blots. Card after card he fame the fortune hope chase the coin blade curve slip the slide down slope. Louse the man right now booze the urban brick mass the concrete shops with the humans thick. The brain him venture see the forgein shores float the sparkle yaught where the dream land moors. Alas no never show the numbers blank then the sigh breathe sink and the false hope sank. Tred the backstreet trail room the bedsit small latch the key close door feel the mind mood fall. Stair the climb slowness lung the boredom stale see the eye sore drab find the life gone fail. Spread the body lay lie the couch come bed heave the head pain howl grieve the dead child dead. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

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> Me too.. I’m struggling here.. If no one posts soon I’m going to tell u all > my life story & thats would be worse the nico withdrwal .. > Post or the bunny gets it. > Sharon

Hang in there , Sharon….I’m into my 11th day now (YEAH!!) and couldn’t have done it without this group.  Post whatever/whenever you feel like it….whenever a craving hits me, I post and read…..AS3 has become a new addiction for me I think…. : ) Sally

Response:

Thanks…(-: I reckon I can stay logged on as long as I like with all the money I’m savig on ciggs. & as addictions go I’d rather  be reading & posting then smoking . S – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hang in there , Sharon….I’m into my 11th day now (YEAH!!) and couldn’t >have done it without this group.  Post whatever/whenever you feel like >it….whenever a craving hits me, I post and read…..AS3 has become a new >addiction for me I think…. : ) >Sally

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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR. DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__ 9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO 10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO 11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO 13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR 14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON’T TELL ANYONE) A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE (NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.) I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME) THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Response:

Having a bad day? Six Bad Days: 1.   The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2.   A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded. 3.   In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4.   A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door,  breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 5.   Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And, finally……. 6.   Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There, now! Your day’s not so bad, is it? sherry 7m Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

Remember, you did say anthing <sic>. The Joys of Womanhood Brilliant Woman Author Unknown Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and forget where we left them. [Editorial query by me -- and in what way is this a bad thing?] One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. mmm —

Response:

> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

O.K., a repost from January. The unmentionable No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the  butt.  - – - – - – - – - – - –  By Michael Alvear  Jan. 5, 2000  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 will  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about  it.  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids.  Everyone has  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that.  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are  rarely a sign of cancer.  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone  else?"  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You  could be me."  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax,  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors."  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK.  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said.  "You  need a specialist, probably surgery."  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly.  Second-degree  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree hemorrhoids  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in with  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning,  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table).  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you  via e-mail.)  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door:  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were eight  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting  painfully in their seats.  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger  and an open vial of KY jelly.  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered  a public relations ploy.  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it,  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait  in the lobby.  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot of  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin.  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his fingers.  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a  radioactive security measure.  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure,  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just never  stopped.  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, they  can  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs.  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their  right mind wants to stay awake for that?  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer.  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, eventually  withering them away.  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification masks  most of it.  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie Executive  Tight Sphincter Syndrome).  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter."  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out."  Words to live by.  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It means  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at one  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen  dump.  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door.  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles,  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses.  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too embarrassed  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid  them.  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill containing  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery."  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement the  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated,  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000  - – - – - – - – - – - –  About the writer  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. mmm —

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> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing.

It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do with us Colonials. This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to see it. A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra prescriptions.  Whatever works! The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name: a = stinky b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = poopsie k = flunky l = booger m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = falafel u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name: a = diaper b = toilet c = giggle d = bubble e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = burger p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m —

Response:

hi peter i know who you are. youre peter the not smoking dude who makes me laugh. ok sally hand over some of that cake. cmon i dont want to snarl at ya its a holiday and i want CAKE. snowtree cakeless One week, two days, 13 hours, 16 minutes and 0 seconds. 286 cigarettes not smoked, saving $50.15. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->LOL!!!….Peter, you’re not bored are you???  I’ve finally caught up with >the posts myself and am in the process of devouring a HUGE piece of >chocolate cake for breakfast. >BTW….your pic IS very familiar…. : ) >Sally > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Peter > Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

Response:

‘ Sally

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > O.K., a repost from January. > The unmentionable > No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the >  butt. >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  By Michael Alvear >  Jan. 5, 2000 >  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing >  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us >  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 will >  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about >  it. >  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the >  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids. >  Everyone has >  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of >  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal >  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that. >  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody >  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my >  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are >  rarely a sign of cancer. >  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to >  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the >  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought >  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone >  else?" >  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You >  could be me." >  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as >  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about >  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax, >  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors." >  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK. >  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what >  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said. "You >  need a specialist, probably surgery." >  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree >  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly. Second-degree >  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree hemorrhoids >  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in with >  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning, >  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table). >  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you >  via e-mail.) >  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door: >  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a >  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were eight >  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting >  painfully in their seats. >  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon >  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination >  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger >  and an open vial of KY jelly. >  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to >  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This >  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered >  a public relations ploy. >  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it, >  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait >  in the lobby. >  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart >  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed >  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot of >  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin. >  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with >  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors >  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his fingers. >  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I >  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a >  radioactive security measure. >  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure, >  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he >  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a >  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just never >  stopped. >  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into >  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard >  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common >  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, they >  can >  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same >  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs. >  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an >  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their >  right mind wants to stay awake for that? >  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of >  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer. >  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are >  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, eventually >  withering them away. >  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had >  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you >  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification masks >  most of it. >  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to >  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly >  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal >  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie Executive >  Tight Sphincter Syndrome). >  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the >  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the >  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter." >  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is >  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom >  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out." >  Words to live by. >  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in >  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It means >  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at one >  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen >  dump. >  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making >  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water >  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of >  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot >  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the >  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind >  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door. >  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the >  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles, >  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of >  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses. >  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than >  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open >  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too embarrassed >  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid >  them. >  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he >  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you >  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill containing >  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read >  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery." >  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after >  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m >  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement the >  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than >  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated, >  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. > salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000 >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  About the writer >  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a >  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. > mmm > —

Response:

> ok sally hand over some of that cake. cmon i dont want to snarl at ya > its a holiday and i want CAKE.

no….hiss and growl and snarl all you want….but I don’t share anything chocolate with anybody…. : ) Sally

Response:

Having just got back from holiday and trying to catch up, with something like 1000 messages in the last three days only, I cannot believe you are serious.  But just in case Edinburgh Oh beautiful city of Edinburgh Where the tourist can drown his sorrows By viewing your monuments and statues fine  During the lovely summer-time.  I’m sure it will his spirits cheer As Sir Walter Scott’s monument he draws near, That stands in East Prince’s Street Amongst flowery gardens, fine and neat. And Edinburgh Castle is magnificent to be seen With its beautiful walks and trees so green, Which seems like a fairy dell; And near by its rocky basement is St Margaret’s Well, Where the tourist can drink at when he feels dry, And view the castle from beneath so very high, Which seems almost towering to the sky. Then as for Nelson’s monument that stands on Calton Hill,  As the tourist gazes thereon, with wonder his heart does fill As he thinks on Admiral Nelson who did the Frenchmen kill, Then, as for Salisbury Crags, they are most beautiful to be seen, Especially in the month of June, when the grass is green; There numerous mole-hills can be seen, And the busy little creatures howking away, Searching for worms among the clay; And as the tourist’s eye does wander to and fro  From the south side of Salisbury Crags below, His bosom with admiration feels all aglow  As he views the beautiful scenery in the valley below; And if, with an observant eye, the little loch beneath he scans, He can see the wild ducks about and beautiful white swans. Then, as for Arthur’s Seat, I’m sure it is a treat Most worthy to be seen, with its rugged rocks and pastures green, And the sheep browsing on its sides To and fro, with slow-paced strides, And the little lambkins at play During the livelong summer day, Beautiful city of Edinburgh! the truth to express, Your beauties are matchless I must confess, And which no one dare gainsay, But that you are the grandest city in Scotland at the present day! And if you’ve got this far – guess the author?  (native or resident Scots not eligible to enter this one) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. >Peter >Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

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Perhaps it would have been better to leave the "LMAO" off, considering the circumstances! Hysterical post! RayB DOF + 1/4 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > ‘ > Sally > > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > O.K., a repost from January. > The unmentionable > No one wants to talk about it, but many will get this pain in the >  butt. >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  By Michael Alvear >  Jan. 5, 2000 >  If you haven’t suffered through the most embarrassing >  medical condition on Earth, odds are you will.  Up to 75 percent of us >  will get it, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Half of all people over 50 > will >  seek treatment for it.  And none of us want to know the first thing about >  it. >  The first rule of real estate — location — explains the >  eye-widening, mouth-puckering shame associated with hemorrhoids. >  Everyone has >  hemorrhoids.  Three to be exact.  When they act up they become a mass of >  swollen veins in the lining of the anus and rectum.  There are internal >  and external hemorrhoids.  You don’t want to know much more than that. >  Hemorrhoids are characterized by swelling, pain, itching and bloody >  stools. First time I saw the blood I did what any man would do in my >  position: I ignored it.  For years.  Mercifully, bloody stools are >  rarely a sign of cancer. >  When I finally realized I should see a doctor, my physician pointed to >  The special "head down, buttocks up" table and asked me to assume the >  position.  When I heard the urethane glove snap on his hands I thought >  to myself, "Why couldn’t I have attention deficit disorder like everyone >  else?" >  "Things could be worse," he said, noticing how mortified I was.  "You >  could be me." >  "You can’t detect hemorrhoids with a digital rectal exam," he said as >  he put half his arm in. "They’re too soft to feel."  Sensing I was about >  to back-kick him to the wall, he cut himself short.  "Relax, relax, >  relax," he said.  "I’m checking for polyps or tumors." >  Oh.  Then I guess splitting my sphincter in two is OK. >  On a subsequent visit, he wheeled out an anuscope and stuck in what >  looked like a dildo with lights.  "Third-degree hemorrhoids," he said. > "You >  need a specialist, probably surgery." >  Hemorrhoids are classified into four categories.  First-degree >  hemorrhoids protrude into the anal canal and bleed slightly. > Second-degree >  hemorrhoids prolapse (slip out) during evacuation.  Third degree > hemorrhoids >  prolapse but require "manual reduction" (shoving the hemorrhoid back in > with >  your fingers).  Fourth-degree hemorrhoids are "incarcerated" (meaning, >  you’re  headed straight for the surgery table). >  (Off topic note from Marilyn – fifth-degree hemorrhoids break up with you >  via e-mail.) >  When I arrived at the specialist, I blanched at the sign on the door: >  "Colon and Rectal Surgery."  There are no grand entrances through a >  door like that.  One doesn’t walk in as much as slink in.  There were > eight >  or nine people waiting, carefully avoiding eye contact and shifting >  painfully in their seats. >  Dr. Sander Binderow is the busiest partner in one of the busiest colon >  and rectal practices in the country.  I almost fainted in his examination >  room when I saw what looked to be a 2-foot dildo with a gun-like trigger >  and an open vial of KY jelly. >  It was a sigmoidoscope.  It’s inserted into your anus all the way up to >  your colon.  Air is introduced into the scope to aid in viewing.  This >  is the only field of work where pumping air up your ass isn’t considered >  a public relations ploy. >  Mercifully, Binderow did not use the contraption, saving it, >  presumably, for the patients who complained too much about the long wait >  in the lobby. >  As I bent over the "bottoms up" table, Binderow spread my cheeks apart >  as far as he could, giving his lovely blond assistant an unobstructed >  view of what I used to think of as a private part.  I longed for a shot > of >  dignity the way a diabetic longs for a shot of insulin. >  In the office of a rectal surgeon, ordinary gestures are pregnant with >  meaning.  When Binderow put his hands to his mouth, which all doctors >  are prone to do, I couldn’t help wondering if he was smelling his > fingers. >  When I saw the "Bio-Hazard" canister in furious orange coloring, I >  couldn’t help wondering what could come out of you that required a >  radioactive security measure. >  Binderow explained I had third degree hemorrhoids and an anal fissure, >  which was in worse shape than the hemorrhoids.  So bad, he said, he >  didn’t need instruments to look inside.  Fissure is a medical term for a >  crack or groove.  I had a crack in the crack of my ass.  The fun just > never >  stopped. >  Fissures are long narrow sores extending from the sphincter up into >  the anal canal.  They are caused, like most hemorrhoids, by passing hard >  bowel movements and straining in the bathroom.  They’re extremely common >  in remedial  dumpers like myself.  As hard bowels pass the sphincter, > they >  can >  literally tear the lining.  Since they’re both caused by the same >  activity, anal  fissures and hemorrhoids tend to come in pairs. >  I scheduled the surgery within a few days.  It didn’t require an >  overnight stay but it did require anesthesia.  Thank God.  Who in their >  right mind wants to stay awake for that? >  There are different types of hemorrhoidectomy (the surgical removal of >  hemorrhoids).  Binderow performed mine with a scalpel and cauterizer. >  He could have used a method called "ligation," where rubber bands are >  placed tightly over the base of each hemorrhoid like a pony-tail, > eventually >  withering them away. >  Three days after my surgery, I sneezed.  I thought my sphincter had >  flown out of my ass. The good thing about a hemorrhoidectomy is that you >  don’t really need pain killers after the surgery — the mortification > masks >  most of it. >  Though hemorrhoids can affect everyone, some people are more prone to >  the condition, according to Binderow.  Affluent, upwardly mobile, highly >  stressed, hyper-busy people are more likely to get them.  Rectal >  surgeons even have a name for this esteemed group: YETTS (Yuppie > Executive >  Tight Sphincter Syndrome). >  "The etiology of a lot of anal-rectal disease is pressure on the >  anus," said Binderow.  "Hard stools are the culprit.  They push on the >  hemorrhoids, rip at the lining and expand the sphincter." >  According to the good doctor, the sports section of the daily paper is >  a leading cause of hemorrhoids and anal fissures in men.  The bathroom >  isn’t a library, he warns.  "Go in, if nothing comes out, get out." >  Words to live by. >  My surgery could have been avoided if I had been properly schooled in >  the toilet arts.  Never hold your breath when you’re on the bowl.  It > means >  you’re trying too hard.  Breathe.  Don’t effort.  Don’t strain.  Be at > one >  with the bowl. There is no place for struggle in the art of the Zen >  dump. >  The Strain Refrain is one half of the puzzle.  The other half is making >  sure your bowels are soft, which you can do by increasing its water >  content.  But simply drinking a lot of water won’t work because most of >  it gets absorbed by the small and large intestine.  You have to eat a lot >  of fiber too.  Fiber is the only thing that will transport some of the >  water away from the intestines to the anal canal.  Water molecules bind >  to it and ride it all the way through the exit door. >  Binderow has seen it all.  Removed it all, too.  Hemorrhoids aren’t the >  only things he’s taken out of anal canals.  He’s seen eggplants, candles, >  shampoo bottles, even a perfume decanter.  "We have a little museum of >  artifacts," he said of the things he’s pulled out of people’s asses. >  Shame and ignorance keeps Binderow and his five partners busier than >  one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  Binderow himself cuts open >  30-50 rumps a week.  He doesn’t see any let-up.  Everybody’s too > embarrassed >  to talk about hemorrhoids and anal fissures to figure out how to avoid >  them. >  "There’s an unfounded uptightness about that part of the body," he >  said.  "Even exhibitionists who walk around naked don’t want to show you >  their anus."  Binderow once had a patient complain about a bill > containing >  his letterhead on the envelope.  The patient didn’t want anybody to read >  the words "Colon & Rectal Surgery." >  There’s a one in 200 chance that my hemorrhoids will come back after >  surgery.  I’ve taken the magazine rack out of the bathroom, I’m >  drinking a gallon of water a day and I’m eating enough fiber to cement > the >  government’s food pyramid to the floor.  Nothing motivates better than >  mortification.  Except maybe the threat of a generously lubricated, >  air-shooting, gun-triggered colon-crushing rectal projectile. > salon.com | Jan. 5, 2000 >  - – - – - – - – - – - – >  About the writer >  Michael Alvear is the author of "Slouching Through Gomorrah," a >  syndicated culture critique. He lives in Atlanta. > mmm > —

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> Hey Pinky Banana Tush, > Popsie LiverBuns here. > Are we having fun or what?

Lol!  Snotty diaper chunks here….eeeewwwwww!!!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

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Hey Pinky Banana Tush, Popsie LiverBuns here. Are we having fun or what? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

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> Hey Pinky Banana Tush, > Popsie LiverBuns here. > Are we having fun or what?

The day is slowly improving…especially with a note from you, Popsie. mmm 8M+ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first > name: > a = stinky > b = lumpy > c = buttercup > d = gidget > e = crusty > f = greasy > g = fluffy > h = cheeseball > i = chim-chim > j = poopsie > k = flunky > l = booger > m = pinky > n = zippy > o = goober > p = doofus > q = slimy > r = loopy > s = snotty > t = falafel > u = dorkey > v = squeezit > w = oprah > x = skipper > y = dinky > z = zsa-zsa > Use the first letter of your last name to determine > the first half of your NEW last name: > a = diaper > b = toilet > c = giggle > d = bubble > e = girdle > f = barf > g = lizard > h = waffle > i = cootie > j = monkey > k = potty > l = liver > m = banana > n = rhino > o = burger > p = hamster > q = toad > r = gizzard > s = pizza > t = gerbil > u = chicken > v = pickle > w = chuckle > x = tofu > y = gorilla > z = stinker > Use the last letter of your last name to determine > the second half of your NEW last name: > a = head > b = mouth > c = face > d = nose > e = tush > f = breath > g = pants > h = shorts > i = lips > j = honker > k = butt > l = brain > m = tushie > n = chunks > o = hiney > p = biscuits > q = toes > r = buns > s = fanny > t = sniffer > u = sprinkles > v = kisser > w = squirt > x = humperdinck > y = brains > z = juice

–

Response:

Poopsie Wafflefanny has been messing herself all morning, Marylin, thanks to you!  I REALLY needed that laugh!! One week, six days, 19 hours, and 6 minutes. I have not smoked 413 cigarettes, saving $42.53 for diapers and school clothes. Life saved: 1 day, 10 hours, 25 minutes, giving me more time with my children! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are >out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do >with us Colonials. >This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to >see it. >A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want >something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and >keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy >GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra >prescriptions.  Whatever works! >The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, >"Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", >by Dav Pilkey: >The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… >Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first >name: >a = stinky >b = lumpy >c = buttercup >d = gidget >e = crusty >f = greasy >g = fluffy >h = cheeseball >i = chim-chim >j = poopsie >k = flunky >l = booger >m = pinky >n = zippy >o = goober >p = doofus >q = slimy >r = loopy >s = snotty >t = falafel >u = dorkey >v = squeezit >w = oprah >x = skipper >y = dinky >z = zsa-zsa >Use the first letter of your last name to determine >the first half of your NEW last name: >a = diaper >b = toilet >c = giggle >d = bubble >e = girdle >f = barf >g = lizard >h = waffle >i = cootie >j = monkey >k = potty >l = liver >m = banana >n = rhino >o = burger >p = hamster >q = toad >r = gizzard >s = pizza >t = gerbil >u = chicken >v = pickle >w = chuckle >x = tofu >y = gorilla >z = stinker >Use the last letter of your last name to determine >the second half of your NEW last name: >a = head >b = mouth >c = face >d = nose >e = tush >f = breath >g = pants >h = shorts >i = lips >j = honker >k = butt >l = brain >m = tushie >n = chunks >o = hiney >p = biscuits >q = toes >r = buns >s = fanny >t = sniffer >u = sprinkles >v = kisser >w = squirt >x = humperdinck >y = brains >z = juice >mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m >–

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Thanks Mariliyn can always rely on you.  Unfortunately I had to leave my computer to go into <gulp> real life! I’m back now thought! Grin and Hugs Peter – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m needing to read something.  Anthing. > Remember, you did say anthing <sic>. > The Joys of Womanhood > Brilliant Woman Author Unknown > Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and > forget where we left them. > [Editorial query by me -- and in what way is this a bad thing?] > One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman > gain 5 lbs. > My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. > The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. > The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know > what you’re doing, someone else does. > The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your > body and your fat are really good friends. > Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. > Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. > I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and > setting my pantyhose on fire. > Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two > sizes! > Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You > know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I’ve forgotten my address, my > mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You > have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. > A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had > 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care. > The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and > then they marry him. > I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating > too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is > my idea of a perfect day. > I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 > can fit into their stuff. > mmm > —

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sherry, Thanks for the funny! Peter Loved them – maybe I’m sick! (Maybe?!!)

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Hereinafter, I shall be: Buttercup Pizza Chunks Catie Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

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Pinky Banana Tush — Hello Sis. Buttercup Lizard Tush QOF – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > It’s the Fabulous Fourth of July, Peter — those ‘muricans are > out eating corn and blowing things up.  You’ll have to make do > with us Colonials. > This was a fun thread, way back when.  I thought you might like to > see it. > A change is as good as a holiday.  Tired of your normal old name?  Want > something snappy to sign on that Medicare form?  Watch your neuro try and > keep a straight face when you come out with "Hi! My name’s Zippy > GiggleTush!".  He may think you’re just crazy enough to need those extra > prescriptions.  Whatever works! > The following is an excerpt from a children’s book, > "Captain Underpants and  the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", > by Dav Pilkey: > The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names… > <snip> > mm (Pinky Banana Tush) m > —

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>Hmmm, never did read Moby Dick – that’s quite long isn’t it…

More than anyone ever needs to know about the whale.  But fascinating. The Bible has more action though.  And all those "begats!"  Lord have mercy! Joyce DOF

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